What Is To Come…

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The past ten weeks have been a whirlwind. I promise I will give an update on our life and our newest little fella, Jasper. The Lord has provided Nick and I with two incredible miracles in the last three years and we could not be any more proud if we tried. I don’t think we could have ever imagined, during our fight of infertility, how God would allow our children to come into this crazy world. Our story is not norm, nor is it going to happen to everyone struggling with infertility, but I hope through our story, some will find hope.

I will continue to pray for those around me struggling with adoptions, infertility, loss, and miscarriages long after God has answered our prayers. Knowing the struggle puts into prospective how so many men and especially women in prayer and to be reminded there IS healing, hope, and options. May God bless and keep you cradled in His arms during your fights and struggles. God’s timing doesn’t always make sense, but it is perfect (for you).

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Questions

Why is this happening?

What are you trying to teach us?

Why can’t you give us some answers?

Why would you allow me to have a child in high school in all the wrong ways?

Why not now when I am going about it the right way?

How can you give people children who mistreat their children or neglect them, but people you know will raise their children to love you and serve you, you withhold them?

Does it make you happy to see us try and build ourselves up, just to crumble with the news of another negative?

Why are you allowing our closest friends to get pregnant, but not us?

How can you sit back and watch me fall a part and barely breathing and be okay with it?

Why are you allowing me to feel like I am drowning with no glimpse of help in sight?

How can I continue to have faith in you like I always have?

How long must we wait? (I am not getting any younger)!

I know you have a purpose in all of this, but could you please give us some answers or at least a answer?

How long do you expect me to hold on? (I am losing my grip).

Do you really think I am that strong?

Why Nick?

Why are you allowing him to suffer? (He deserves so much better).

How can I continue doing this… trying to move forward?

How long before I realize what you want me to?

Why can’t I feel you or find you?

Where are you?

Bitter water makes for a slow death…

I can’t breathe.  I feel like someone has their hands wrapped around my neck and I am desperately trying to get them off.  I can’t breathe.  The only thing I feel is numb.  This disappointment and discouragement is consuming me.  It is welling up inside me like a geyser about to erupt… and I am terrified of the impact is will have on my heart and the hope I have been holding onto for so long.

Idiot, right?  To believe this time would be different and that this month would be our chance.  I feel like someone sucker punched me in the stomach.  I wasn’t expecting that at all… I believed it would be our month, not that things were going to get worse.  Oh again, satan is screaming over me that I am a failure and not enough.  I want to scream, but who would listen… NO ONE!!!  No one understands or feels like I am feeling.

This situation feels like a giant ocean that I am trying to ride out and make it to shore.  I have been tossed from side to side…. emotions riding high… longing to find some normalcy in this sea of hope.  This time the storm is raging much fierier than I ever imagined and my heart is beating out of my chest, just trying to keep my head above water.  I can taste the bitter water in my mouth stronger today than ever and I am pretty sure that the bitter water is the makings for a slow death…

I need my life preserver! Jesus, I need you!