Bitter water makes for a slow death…

I can’t breathe.  I feel like someone has their hands wrapped around my neck and I am desperately trying to get them off.  I can’t breathe.  The only thing I feel is numb.  This disappointment and discouragement is consuming me.  It is welling up inside me like a geyser about to erupt… and I am terrified of the impact is will have on my heart and the hope I have been holding onto for so long.

Idiot, right?  To believe this time would be different and that this month would be our chance.  I feel like someone sucker punched me in the stomach.  I wasn’t expecting that at all… I believed it would be our month, not that things were going to get worse.  Oh again, satan is screaming over me that I am a failure and not enough.  I want to scream, but who would listen… NO ONE!!!  No one understands or feels like I am feeling.

This situation feels like a giant ocean that I am trying to ride out and make it to shore.  I have been tossed from side to side…. emotions riding high… longing to find some normalcy in this sea of hope.  This time the storm is raging much fierier than I ever imagined and my heart is beating out of my chest, just trying to keep my head above water.  I can taste the bitter water in my mouth stronger today than ever and I am pretty sure that the bitter water is the makings for a slow death…

I need my life preserver! Jesus, I need you!

Days Like These… Enough!

Family planning is overrated. Okay, this is just me being bitter at the moment. I went to the doctor on Tuesday to see how I was taking to my medicine. I finally got the courage to just point blank ask Dr. McKenna whether she thought Nick and I would be able to have kids since she had given me some extra help in the fertility department rather early. She explained that she thought that because of my irregular cycle we would have some trouble (trying to not be too specific). She thought that if we used the fertility stuff that it would increase our chances.

I guess at this point I was okay with using the drugs because I was realizing we needed the help. While we were talking I explained that while we were on the CCF Women’s Retreat that I had experienced some cramping in my left ovary to which she became very excited and sent me stay to the lab to have blood work done. She thought the cramping might be due to my ovulation. This gave me the hope I had been looking for and felt myself beginning to get excited. I went to get my blood work with the biggest smile on my face hoping that finally things were going our way. Nick was really excited when I called to tell him that she seemed really excited and sent me for blood work. He wants a baby so bad he is just beside himself.

We both have been looking forward to today when I would get my results back. Today around 4:30pm, I called Dr. McKenna’s office anxiously waiting to hear my results from the blood work… Lynn (one of the nurses) read me the results which I didn’t understand and then she explained that I am not ovulating on my own. She explained that I would definitely need to use the Clomid to simulate ovulation. She went though how all of this would work and how I needed to take the drugs over the next few weeks. I hung up the phone to hear the sweet voice calling my name… my sweet husband. I explained what the nurse said and the results of my test. He, of course, was sweet and supportive, but inside I felt like I was dying.

I know it sounds stupid, but in some ways I feel like a failure. (I know I’m not, but I guess I just can’t help, but feel that way).These last few weeks I have been trying to remind myself that my job, my success to produce children, and so many other things do not define me nor should they define where my confidence comes from. 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 has been what I have been repeating to myself.

“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-6

I think what has been refreshing is the translation in Greek for the word “competent” means “enough.”Repeating “Not that we are ENOUGH in ourselves…but being ENOUGH comes from God. He has made us ENOUGH,” has helped me wake up in the morning and not feel like I am worthless. It gives me some peace just knowing that God is what makes me ENOUGH… not my husband, not my job, our home, or our income, but simply GOD! Satan has been telling me that I wasn’t enough my whole life, so I don’t know why this is any different. I have fought hard against him for so long and this time will be no different… or is it?!?! This time it just feels different.

Satan has been beating me up steadily and at times I feel very weak and vulnerable. At times I feel like the biggest failure… most of my feelings stem from my past mistakes and decisions… fearing that I gave up the only child I might have been able to have, fearing that I would not be able to have a child with the man I love with all my heart, or that maybe I gave up my chance. I know all these doubts are from satan, but I guess I am writing this blog to have the people I love the most praying for Nick and me. Praying for God to give me strength and wisdom. I am just tired and growing very weary! I love ya’ll! Thanks for just being there for us and loving us no matter what.

Reassuring the blind-folded…

Nick and I are officially trying to get pregnant.  (Scary, I know).  We are looking forward to the experience and we know it is forever going to change our lives.  Nick has been ready for this for a while, but about a months ago we sat down and had the serious talk… “Are we really ready?”  We were both on the same page and feel like we are in a place where we are as ready as we can be for starting a family.

It has been really hard for me to prepare myself for this.  When I think about starting a family, I feel a plethora of emotions.  I can’t help, but think about Sarah and where she will eventually fit into this family we will have.  Wondering if she will even want to be involved in our family once she finds out that I am her biological mom.  I worry that she will resent me or her half brothers or sisters, because I kept them.  It is hard not to get excited about the positive things though if she is happy and understanding.  It’s exciting thinking about her being a big sister to our children and eventually getting to know her father’s children as well.  There is just so much to think about and sort through.

This pregnancy will be so different.  I won’t be hating myself for the mistake I made before marriage.  I will actually be having a child that I will be keeping and taking care of for the rest of my life.  I won’t have to feel the guilt for the consequences of my actions everyday.  I won’t have to grow attached to a “little one” growing inside me and know that I will soon have to part from that small little foot who stuck me in my ribs or played around in my belly while I was trying to sleep.  This time when I sing songs to them I won’t have to wonder if they will still hear those songs once they part from me.  This will be a whole new experience, but that scares me.  This will be a totally different  experience for me.    It still scares me because there are times when I feel consumed with guilt for even wanting a family… all because of Sarah.   I know that this is not how I should be feeling, but some times satan definitely gets the better of me.

God has definitely got a plan.  He has not failed us so far and I know He will have the best interest of my children at heart.  I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store, but sometimes it is a like walking down a road with a blind fold on with a guide who you can’t touch or feel.  You can only trust their voice and that they won’t lead you astray and knowing that the price at the end will definitely be worth everything we will go through.  Our guide is in control!

So here I am listening for that familiar voice that I love hearing… that is so sweet and reassuring.  Hopefully, it will be different this time and I will pull out my headphones and turn off my Ipod and just listen to His sweet words direct and reassure me.

Pray for us as we journey down this long winding road towards a wonderful gift that only God can give.

Serving together!