Family planning is overrated. Okay, this is just me being bitter at the moment. I went to the doctor on Tuesday to see how I was taking to my medicine. I finally got the courage to just point blank ask Dr. McKenna whether she thought Nick and I would be able to have kids since she had given me some extra help in the fertility department rather early. She explained that she thought that because of my irregular cycle we would have some trouble (trying to not be too specific). She thought that if we used the fertility stuff that it would increase our chances.
I guess at this point I was okay with using the drugs because I was realizing we needed the help. While we were talking I explained that while we were on the CCF Women’s Retreat that I had experienced some cramping in my left ovary to which she became very excited and sent me stay to the lab to have blood work done. She thought the cramping might be due to my ovulation. This gave me the hope I had been looking for and felt myself beginning to get excited. I went to get my blood work with the biggest smile on my face hoping that finally things were going our way. Nick was really excited when I called to tell him that she seemed really excited and sent me for blood work. He wants a baby so bad he is just beside himself.
We both have been looking forward to today when I would get my results back. Today around 4:30pm, I called Dr. McKenna’s office anxiously waiting to hear my results from the blood work… Lynn (one of the nurses) read me the results which I didn’t understand and then she explained that I am not ovulating on my own. She explained that I would definitely need to use the Clomid to simulate ovulation. She went though how all of this would work and how I needed to take the drugs over the next few weeks. I hung up the phone to hear the sweet voice calling my name… my sweet husband. I explained what the nurse said and the results of my test. He, of course, was sweet and supportive, but inside I felt like I was dying.
I know it sounds stupid, but in some ways I feel like a failure. (I know I’m not, but I guess I just can’t help, but feel that way).These last few weeks I have been trying to remind myself that my job, my success to produce children, and so many other things do not define me nor should they define where my confidence comes from. 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 has been what I have been repeating to myself.
“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-6
I think what has been refreshing is the translation in Greek for the word “competent” means “enough.”Repeating “Not that we are ENOUGH in ourselves…but being ENOUGH comes from God. He has made us ENOUGH,” has helped me wake up in the morning and not feel like I am worthless. It gives me some peace just knowing that God is what makes me ENOUGH… not my husband, not my job, our home, or our income, but simply GOD! Satan has been telling me that I wasn’t enough my whole life, so I don’t know why this is any different. I have fought hard against him for so long and this time will be no different… or is it?!?! This time it just feels different.
Satan has been beating me up steadily and at times I feel very weak and vulnerable. At times I feel like the biggest failure… most of my feelings stem from my past mistakes and decisions… fearing that I gave up the only child I might have been able to have, fearing that I would not be able to have a child with the man I love with all my heart, or that maybe I gave up my chance. I know all these doubts are from satan, but I guess I am writing this blog to have the people I love the most praying for Nick and me. Praying for God to give me strength and wisdom. I am just tired and growing very weary! I love ya’ll! Thanks for just being there for us and loving us no matter what.