I can’t breathe.  I feel like someone has their hands wrapped around my neck and I am desperately trying to get them off.  I can’t breathe.  The only thing I feel is numb.  This disappointment and discouragement is consuming me.  It is welling up inside me like a geyser about to erupt… and I am terrified of the impact is will have on my heart and the hope I have been holding onto for so long.

Idiot, right?  To believe this time would be different and that this month would be our chance.  I feel like someone sucker punched me in the stomach.  I wasn’t expecting that at all… I believed it would be our month, not that things were going to get worse.  Oh again, satan is screaming over me that I am a failure and not enough.  I want to scream, but who would listen… NO ONE!!!  No one understands or feels like I am feeling.

This situation feels like a giant ocean that I am trying to ride out and make it to shore.  I have been tossed from side to side…. emotions riding high… longing to find some normalcy in this sea of hope.  This time the storm is raging much fierier than I ever imagined and my heart is beating out of my chest, just trying to keep my head above water.  I can taste the bitter water in my mouth stronger today than ever and I am pretty sure that the bitter water is the makings for a slow death…

I need my life preserver! Jesus, I need you!