Nick and I are officially trying to get pregnant. (Scary, I know). We are looking forward to the experience and we know it is forever going to change our lives. Nick has been ready for this for a while, but about a months ago we sat down and had the serious talk… “Are we really ready?” We were both on the same page and feel like we are in a place where we are as ready as we can be for starting a family.
It has been really hard for me to prepare myself for this. When I think about starting a family, I feel a plethora of emotions. I can’t help, but think about Sarah and where she will eventually fit into this family we will have. Wondering if she will even want to be involved in our family once she finds out that I am her biological mom. I worry that she will resent me or her half brothers or sisters, because I kept them. It is hard not to get excited about the positive things though if she is happy and understanding. It’s exciting thinking about her being a big sister to our children and eventually getting to know her father’s children as well. There is just so much to think about and sort through.
This pregnancy will be so different. I won’t be hating myself for the mistake I made before marriage. I will actually be having a child that I will be keeping and taking care of for the rest of my life. I won’t have to feel the guilt for the consequences of my actions everyday. I won’t have to grow attached to a “little one” growing inside me and know that I will soon have to part from that small little foot who stuck me in my ribs or played around in my belly while I was trying to sleep. This time when I sing songs to them I won’t have to wonder if they will still hear those songs once they part from me. This will be a whole new experience, but that scares me. This will be a totally different experience for me. It still scares me because there are times when I feel consumed with guilt for even wanting a family… all because of Sarah. I know that this is not how I should be feeling, but some times satan definitely gets the better of me.
God has definitely got a plan. He has not failed us so far and I know He will have the best interest of my children at heart. I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store, but sometimes it is a like walking down a road with a blind fold on with a guide who you can’t touch or feel. You can only trust their voice and that they won’t lead you astray and knowing that the price at the end will definitely be worth everything we will go through. Our guide is in control!
So here I am listening for that familiar voice that I love hearing… that is so sweet and reassuring. Hopefully, it will be different this time and I will pull out my headphones and turn off my Ipod and just listen to His sweet words direct and reassure me.
Pray for us as we journey down this long winding road towards a wonderful gift that only God can give.